I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize