I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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