I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
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For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
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Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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