She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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