when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
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I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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