am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
