I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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