My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Ketchup is God's man juice
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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