Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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