Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
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I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
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Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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