Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
