woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
