Pants 0. Shit 1.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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