So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
