i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
