There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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