i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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