everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
