Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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