i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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