Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
