wrigley field is MILF paradise
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
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You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
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I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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