My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
