Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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