So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
