The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
No subtext here. People are naked.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Randomize
