I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
