My first STD was from a foam party
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
