nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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