I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
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I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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