i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
