Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
