I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
