I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
