I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
