my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
