Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
