I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
