All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
