the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
