Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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