Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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