Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
