nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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