Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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