He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
