Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
