Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
