why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
