I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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