Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
