Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
