i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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