If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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