Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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