Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
